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Topic: Dirty Jokes ( sexually or verbally explicit) (Read 511 times) |
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Malachite_Myst
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Dirty Jokes ( sexually or verbally explicit)
« on: Mar 27th, 2003, 3:51pm » |
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Sex in a boat - oar-gasms.
Sex with a nerd - dork-gasms.
Sex at the entrance to your house - door-gasms.
Sex on carpet or linoleum - floor-gasms.
Sex at the supermarket - store-gasms.
Sex at a Steven King Movie - horror-gasms.
Sex with a prostitute - who re-gasms.
Sex with an accountant - bore-gasms.
Sex while sleeping - snore-gasms.
Sex with a salesmen - door-to-doorgasms.
Sex with a virgin - my-hymen-got-torgasms.
Sex with 'Arthur' - Dudley Moore-gasms.
Sex with cartoon donkeys - Eeyore-gasms.
Sex while broke - poor-gasms.
Sex with a lion - roar-gasms.
Sex for hours and hours on end - sore-gasms.
Sex on a golf course - fore-gasms.
Sex in a gold mine - ore-gasms.
Sex with a dermatologist - pore-gasms.
Sex with a politician - Al Gore-gasms.
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword - zorro-gasms.
Sex on the beach - shore-gasms.
Sex on a cruise ship deck - shuffleboard-gasms.
Sex in Asia - Singapore-gasms.
Sex among the wonders of nature - outdoor-gasms.
Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can - odor-gasms.
Sex on the way to the train - 'All Aboard'-gasms.
Sex that wasn't very satisfying - 'There's the door'-gasms.
Sex in an adult theater - hard-core-gasms.
Sex with someone who's not paying attention - ignore-gasms.
Sex with a competitive partner - score-gasms.
Sex while flying - soar-gasms.
Sex with a beloved partner - adore-gasms.
Sex with a meat-eater - carnivore-gasms.
Sex while travelling - tour-gasms.
Sex with a big dog - Labrador-gasms.
Sex on stairs at the mall - escalator-gasms.
Sex with three of your friends - four-gasms.
Sex with a Norse God - Thor-gasms.
Sex when resistance is futile - Borg-gasms.
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| « Last Edit: Mar 27th, 2003, 3:54pm by Malachite_Myst » |
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Malachite_Myst
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Re: Dirty Jokes ( sexually or verbally explicit)
« Reply #1 on: Mar 27th, 2003, 3:56pm » |
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5 KINDS OF SEX
1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.
3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase in which you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!"
5) There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.
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Malachite_Myst
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Re: Dirty Jokes ( sexually or verbally explicit)
« Reply #2 on: Mar 27th, 2003, 3:59pm » |
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TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way!!
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me?
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.
TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned.
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit.
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck !
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure I can implement this.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, it won't work.
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell cares?
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF: He's hasn't got a fucking clue.
TRY SAYING: Excuse me sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die motherfucker.
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Sucked in fuckwit.
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass!
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.
TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting!!!
TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a shit.
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a fucking prick.
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball busting bitch.
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.
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Malachite_Myst
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Re: Dirty Jokes ( sexually or verbally explicit)
« Reply #3 on: Mar 27th, 2003, 4:02pm » |
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A HORNY SADDLE
A blonde girl is driving through the West. Her car runs out of gas and an Indian comes along on a horse and gives her a ride to a gas station.
Every few minutes he lets out a wild whoop that would curdle milk.
Finally, he drops her off with a final "Yaaaaa-Hooo!," and gallops off.
"My god!" says the gas station guy, "What the hell were you doing to that Indian to make him holler like that?"
"Why, nothing," says the blonde, "I just sat behind him with my arms around him, holding onto his saddle horn."
"Lady," says the guy, "Indians don't use saddles." 
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Malachite_Myst
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Re: Dirty Jokes ( sexually or verbally explicit)
« Reply #4 on: Mar 27th, 2003, 8:13pm » |
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This boy has just taken his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"
"What? You're crazy!" she said.
"Look, don't worry," he said. "It will be quick, I promise you."
"Nooooooo! Someone may see us, a neighbour, anybody..."
"At this time of the night no one will show up. Come on, sweetie, I really need it."
"I've already said NO, and NO is final!"
"Honey, it'll just be a really small blowie... I know you like it too."
"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"
Desperately, he says, "My love, don't be like that. I promise you I love you and I really need this blowjob."
At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown and her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes she says: "Dad says, 'Dammit, give him the blowjob or I'll have to blow him but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom button so the rest of the family can get some sleep.'"
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Hard work, studying and perseverance will get you no where in life......it's all about kissing ass
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Malachite_Myst
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Posts: 536
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Re: Dirty Jokes ( sexually or verbally explicit)
« Reply #5 on: Mar 27th, 2003, 8:20pm » |
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DUMB AND UGLY
A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary."
The guy says, "What's wrong with her?"
The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous.
The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall."
The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it."
The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island."
The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex.
About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's about to hang it on the wall.
He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer."
She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer.
The guy says, "Get me some nails."
She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails.
The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells, "Fuck!"
She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."
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Hard work, studying and perseverance will get you no where in life......it's all about kissing ass
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Malachite_Myst
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Posts: 536
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Re: Dirty Jokes ( sexually or verbally explicit)
« Reply #6 on: Mar 27th, 2003, 8:24pm » |
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A little boy and girl at school having lunch in the shelter shed.
"Tommy," she said, "I'm not eating any more chicken sandwiches."
"Why?" he asked.
"Cause I'm starting to grow feathers down here," she said, pointing to the bottom of her tummy.
"I don't believe you!" he said. "You'll have to show me."
Behind the shed they went, where the inspection took place.
"Gee, you're right," he said. "I've been eating a lot of chicken, perhaps I'm getting feathers too."
"Well, I'd better have a look," she said.
After a lengthy examination, she looked up and said, "Oh, I think it's too late for you, you've got the neck and giblets too!"
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Hard work, studying and perseverance will get you no where in life......it's all about kissing ass
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Malachite_Myst
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Posts: 536
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Re: Dirty Jokes ( sexually or verbally explicit)
« Reply #7 on: Mar 27th, 2003, 8:39pm » |
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MAGIC MUSHROOMS
WARNING DONT TRY THIS AT HOME !!!!
This guy went to the doctors and said: "Doctor, I'm having problems with my sex life!"
Doctor: "What do you mean?"
Guy: "Well, I'm just not getting any."
Doctor: "Look out the window then."
Guy: "Oh yeah, I see that convent. Good idea Doctor!"
Doctor: "Yes, but see that patch of mushrooms in front of it?"
The guy looks across and sees a beautiful young nun picking mushrooms.
The doctor then says, "Well, if you go place yourself underneath the mushrooms with only your dick sticking out, you certainly won't regret it."
The next morning, the guy is lying underneath the patch of mushrooms, with his dick sticking out, as the doctor had said, and the most beautiful young nun walks along with a basket.
She starts picking mushrooms, while singing a little song: "One little mushroom for my basket, two little mushrooms for my basket, three little mushrooms for my basket, four..., four..., four..., four..."
The guy cannot believe it; he is enjoying this so much.
That night while down at the pub, he is telling his story to his mates and one of them (who is very drunk) decides to go and try this out for himself.
So, that night he goes down to the convent, and places himself underneath the patch of mushrooms, and leaves his dick sticking out. In the morning, the fattest, most repulsive and butch nun comes along with her basket.
She starts to pick mushrooms, while singing the same song: "One little mushroom for my basket, two little mushrooms for my basket, three little mushrooms for my basket, four..., four..., four..., FOUR little mushrooms for my basket, five little mushrooms for my basket..."
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Hard work, studying and perseverance will get you no where in life......it's all about kissing ass
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Malachite_Myst
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Posts: 536
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Re: Dirty Jokes ( sexually or verbally explicit)
« Reply #8 on: Mar 29th, 2003, 12:33pm » |
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Donald Duck walked into a drugstore and asked for a packet of condoms.
"Certainly, sir," said the lady behind the counter. "Shall I put them on your bill?"
"No way!" replied Donald Duck. "What do you think I am, a dickhead?"
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Hard work, studying and perseverance will get you no where in life......it's all about kissing ass
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